Category: Relationships

If you just finished reading part one of A Man’s Greatest Need, you know we’re going to be talking about the stages of sexual experience.  And most men I know, would say, “What do you mean stages?  I thought there was only one”.  Let’s look at the stages that are important for a meaningful sexual experience. 

The first stage is willingness. now for the husband, his willingness is usually motivated by his sexual desire. for the wife, it’s motivated by her emotional connection to him. Men seem to have a desire for sex often because of their relatively high levels of testosterone. Most wives would say that sex is almost all they ever think about. And many men would say they do have many thoughts daily.  Women can also crave sex, but usually only once or twice a month. 

I have often mentioned that a man is turned on by sight.  That’s why, after almost no showing of affection to his wife, he can be ready for sex just watching her shower.  And this often makes her feel unappreciated and only his sex toy. Women are willing to have sex with her husband as a means to show him her appreciation for him meeting her needs for affection. She is willing to meet his needs if she is expecting to enjoy a time of lovemaking and not just sex.  

Arousal is the second stage.  As I said earlier, men are turned on by sight. That’s why men are the ones who buy the magazines, calendars, videos, and spend time on their computers, looking at nude women.  Men are like light switches; they can be turned off one second and turned on the next.  Arousal comes easily and may happen many times a day. And while most of his responses are from visual responses, they can also come from daydreaming or night dreaming. 

Women may often get upset when they notice their man looking at another woman.  They need to understand that he is not being promiscuous or unfaithful.  Often, he doesn’t realize it.  But to this natural tendency, I also try to convince men to be sensitive to their wife’s and how they are feeling seeing his actions.  I’ve also worked with women who don’t mind them looking because they are secure in their skin and know their husband wants them more than anyone else. So, know how each of you feel about looking at the opposite sex.  Because this does go both ways.  While women may enjoy looking at a nice male body, she is usually appreciating looking without getting aroused. 

Some women do not understand men’s reactions to looking at women because her arousal usually does not come from visual stimulation.  I have often counseled men that when they are getting out of the shower, it will probably do nothing to arouse their spouse. His arousal can be immediate while hers is more a conscious decision.  If she wants to enjoy love making, she will encourage him to touch her in ways that lead to arousal. And she will be more responsive to intercourse when he has taken the time to bring her to arousal.  If she is not sure what her body needs for arousal, he needs to be very caring and responsive to her request to have him help her learn.  Don’t expect her to want and enjoy the same things you do.  Take time to learn from each other. This time together is so much more than sex.  It is a time of becoming one in so many ways. 

The third stage is plateau and reaching this is also different for both men and women. Most men can reach this stage quickly and with little stimulation while a woman needs more stimulation.  This is often a serious sexual problem for the couple. Men can come to climax too soon leaving the woman with needs going unmet.  Although I have heard men lie about how many climaxes they can achieve in a short time, a women’s body is capable of enjoying many in a very short time.  Men need to learn this, and they need to realize that bringing her to climax first, does not mean she cannot achieve it again immediately.  A sensitive man, caring for his wife’s needs, will make sure her needs are met before his if that is what is needed.  And if this remains a problem in the relationship, find a counselor that can help explain in more detail.  Or read a good book on the subject.  His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, is one such book. 

The fourth stage is the climax.  While most would consider this the ultimate goal for both partners, it doesn’t always turn out that way. Anxiety is often associated with this stage because one of the persons may have performance fear.  Pleasure should be the outcome of the sexual relation, and not performance.  Too often, a spouse may have heard the other person talk about previous partners and experiences and they do not believe they can live up to the other persons skills.  And one of the partners may only want to please the other, making the other wonder if they are not good enough to perform. This is where true communication must take place.  Before you begin the lovemaking, talk about what you are wanting in the outcome. A good sexual relationship will make sure that each have enjoyed the time together. 

And recovery is the final stage.  Too often this stage is skipped or never known to be a stage.  I have heard from women that the husband either falls to sleep almost immediately or they go back to their tv or computer games.   

This is a time for both partners to enjoy being in each other’s arms, sharing how much the time together meant to them.  Maybe talking about something they are looking forward to, or just being silent.  It’s an important time of affection for the female.  

Learn what your spouse’s needs are and then meet them the way they need to have them met. 

By J Douglas

I’ve mentioned in a previous podcast that we’re going to be looking at the top five greatest needs of men and women in the book, His Needs, Her Needs by Williard F. Harley, Jr. And while these needs may not be your top five, it would be good to use the book as a guide. The book explains why your needs are different or the same.  Share why your priority of needs are different.  While learning each other’s needs is vitally important to your happiness, you must realize that learning them is not enough.  You must learn how to meet the needs. And you must realize that meeting the needs the way the other person needs them met, is an absolute necessity.  Too often we try to meet them the way we think they should be met according to our thinking.  And that could be the furthest from the truth.  Men and women are so different in so many ways and that is a gift from God.  How boring would it be if we were exactly alike in all ways? So get ready to learn what most of us were never taught. It is impossible to meet needs you are unaware of.  Ok, it is impossible to meet needs you are unaware of.  Each person has a responsibility to be aware of your spouse’s needs.  And you have to take time to learn how to meet those needs.  When you took your vows, you were saying, I will meet your needs, and I agree to not let anyone else to meet them. That is a great responsibility. So, let’s get started learning the needs and how to meet them. From the following list, write down the ones that you believe belong to the male and to the female. And no talking to the other person to see what they think.  You will be learning what they think soon enough. Then put them in the order you think goes from most important to least important. Financial Support, Recreational Companionship, An Attractive Spouse, Family Commitment, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation Domestic Support, Admiration, Affection, Honesty & Openness Now some of you may have the same needs and that is good to find out.  But even with the same needs, how the other person needs them met could be different from how you need them met. Let’s start with the greatest need of a woman.  Affection-the cement of a relationship. To most women, affection stands for security, protection, comfort and approval of who they are. It tells them that they are a priority to someone. And men, you need to make sure you understand how to meet that need.  And how do you do that?  Ask her how she needs to have it met.  And never make her feel foolish by expressing how to meet the need.  It is her need not yours.  Too often, men don’t want to invest the time to learn and then apply what they learn.  And for any men reading this, I can say you have plenty of time to invest in your job, hobbies or just hanging out with other guys.  Hear this.  After God, your wife is your greatest priority according to Scripture. When the two of you become one, that means she is more important than your mom, dad, kids, hobbies, and your friends.  You are not one with anyone or anything else. Affection can be shown to her in many ways.  A hug, cards, flowers, dinner dates, phone calls, and holding her hand in public.  And ask her what some other ways are. Holding her hand in public can say to her and everyone else that sees you, that you love her, and you are not ashamed to let the world know it.  You may think a hug is not important but human touch is so important to health of body and spirit. Now ladies, if you haven’t learned it yet, most men think affection has to do with sex.  And you will need to explain to him that it is not the same.  That kind of affection does not communicate that he cares about you.  It communicates he wants sex, and sadly, many men don’t ever want to be affectionate. They see it as unmanly.   But the important thing is this, when it comes to meeting our spouse’s needs, we are not to be self-centered but centered on loving our spouse as they need to be loved.  And you will probably hear me say this again, I am talking about meeting NEEDS, not desires.  Our needs being met are like having air to breathe.  We will die inside if our needs are not met. Or we will find someone else to meet those needs. Affection is so important for women that they don’t understand why men don’t respond in ways they do.  A woman may call her husband at work and wonder why he never calls her at work just to hear her voice. A couple I was working with, the wife was going by where her husband worked to put a flower under his wiper blade. After a few weeks, with no response from him, she asked him why he never appreciated the flowers.  He looked at her and said, ‘So you’re the one whose been doing that.  I was wondering why anyone would do that.  I have been throwing them on the ground. Ladies, he may love you, but you also need to realize that his need for that sign of affection is nonexistent. Now, let me remind you ladies.  You have to teach him how to meet your needs. And a point about communication that I will probably mention again later.  Men are not mind readers.  Don’t assume he will always know what you want and how to give it to you.  And hear this!  Don’t ever believe that if you give him enough hints, he will figure it out. Hints will almost never go into his thinking.  Hints never enter his ears.  Tell him what you need. I had a wife say that if she had to tell him what she wanted, he just didn’t love her.  And I told her that if she didn’t want to tell him, then enjoy a life of not receiving. Ladies you must become good coaches when it comes to letting your spouse know what your needs are and how you would like to have them met. You may think that affection comes naturally to people who are in love. But our needs are different so be willing to be patient as you teach your man how to love you the way you need to be loved. We will talk a little more about this in the next podcast and then get into a man’s most important need.

I’ve had so many couples coming to my office for pre marriage counseling and I’ve asked them what kind of spouse are you going to be?  They say, “I really desire to be a good spouse.” Well let’s talk about that for just a second before we get into the top need for males and females. Your desire to be a good spouse is absolutely worthless if you do not get the training you need. I’ll give you an example: I used to always ask people if they would like to go to Hawaii? They’d smile and say they’d love to. I’d tell them I had always desired to be a pilot and I’d been thinking of renting a plane and I’d take them for free if they’d like to go. I’d tell them that I had always had a desire to be a pilot, but I’d never learned how to fly a plane. Suddenly no one wanted to go with me to Hawaii and I really didn’t blame them because that’d be pretty foolish to say that I was going to fly a plane just because I had a desire. So, desire is worthless unless you get the training and that’s what we’re going to talk about. The importance of getting the training you need to be a good spouse. So, let’s start with the greatest need for most women and for most men.  Most men really don’t understand how to give women the affection they need and most women really don’t understand how to have meet the husband’s sexual needs.  So many times, in counseling, I have had to explain to men that women and men speak different languages.  Why?  Because most men will say that if a woman’s greatest need is affection and his is sexual fulfillment, they are the same.  No, they are not the same.   But the guys say, “I’m really affectionate when I am having sex”.  I’m sorry men, those two words have greatly different meanings. For most men, affection in marriage is synonymous with sex. For most women, affection is taking time to just be together. It’s a hug! A hug can say so many things to a woman, that she’s important and that he loves her. Guys we need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. They just want to be important to you and for the wife there can hardly be enough hugs. Hugging again is a skill that most men need to develop to show their wife affection. It’s so easy, so simple.  It’s one of the most effective ways to build the love bank account in their wife’s life. There are other ways to show affection to her. Give her a card or a love note for no special reason.  But I must warn you, if you do not normally do that, she may think that you are up to something or have done something you haven’t told her about. Seriously, never forget to give her a gift for her birthday, and make sure it’s not a vacuum cleaner. And never forget an anniversary gift. I was briefing a group of guys that were getting ready to deploy overseas and after the briefing, they had one more day before they left.  I told them to go immediately to the store and buy some cards to mail to their spouses. And I was sure to remind them to also buy stamps.  Sometimes we forget the simple things.    And to make sure they put a card in the mail the next day before they deployed. It paid off big time for those who did what I suggested.  The wives could not believe that their husbands were so considerate.   And the amazing thing was that every card that was mailed later on, made wives believe that their man had gone out of his way to find a place to buy a card while he was so busy at work.   Now that thoughtfulness was putting deposits in her love bank. Another great idea is to leave love notes in a dresser draw where you know she will find them, much sooner than we would. And if she likes flowers, make sure to send her flowers, just because.  I would send them to my wife at work and she was the queen of the day when everyone would see the flowers and ask her what the occasion was, and she would admit there was no special occasion.  Now I have to admit, I probably made a few husbands uneasy, but I also was hoping I was teaching them. And here is another way to show her affection and that is planning a special night out.  Now the important part is, you call the babysitter.  I have to admit, that was something I really had a hard time doing.  And also make sure her schedule is open that evening and she has not already planned a meal. Ok, here are a few more ideas.  A sensitive husband should always open the door for her.  And do it for other females when you have the opportunity.  I have only had one woman tell me that she could get her own door.  I have also opened the doors for ladies as they were getting into the car next to me. Sadly, they would look at their husbands and say, “At least someone knows how to be a gentleman”.  And I would quickly get in my car and drive off before the husband came to thank me. Holding hands is another effective way of showing affection. Also, phone calls letting her know you are on the way home from work and asking if she needs you to stop at the store and pick up anything. From a woman’s point of view, affection is usually the greatest need she has and you meeting that need is the most important action you can give her. And men, you need to understand it usually has nothing to do with sex. Because you see affection as part of foreplay, you assume she feels the same way. And that is so far from the truth. I remember a lady telling me that she would not give her husband a hug when he came home because he would take it the wrong way. And it made me wonder how many men arrived home wondering why their wife didn’t care to hug them. Well, more to come on the most important need of a woman. By J Douglas

We were meant to be in relationships with others. the Bible tells us that we were made in the image of God. Think about that for a moment God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit. So that means we were made in the image of a perfect relationship. We are relational to the core of our being. Jesus said it very well when he was asked what the greatest commandment was, he said to love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your strength and then he said the second is like this, you’re to love one another.   The need to love and to be loved is a foundation of all relationships. The female will never understand her life as a woman until she understands this: you are passionately loved by God, but you also need to know that you are passionately hated by the enemy. Let’s talk about this hatred by the enemy. Ephesians 6:12 says we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. The assault on females has a long history and it cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil that were warned about in the scriptures. This is not to say that women aren’t also assaulted by men and other women, but we need to understand why there’s such a special hatred by the enemy. Let’s go back to the Garden of Eden. Who did Satan go after? Why does he single out for his move against the human race a female? He could have chosen Adam, but he didn’t. Satan went after Eve. He set his sights on her. Have you ever wondered why? Might have been like any predator. He chose what he believed would be the weaker of the two, but I don’t think that’s true. He’s ruthless but we believe there is more. Why does Satan make Eve the focus of his assault on humanity? Well let’s go back and look a little bit in the scriptures. After God created Adam in his image, He knew creation was not complete. So, he created Eve. Eve became the completion of creation. She wasn’t just an afterthought, but she was the crown of creation, and she too was created in the image of God. What part of God? The relational part of God.  The Father, Son and Holy Spirit that perfect relation. That’s how Eve was created and a woman’s deep desire and capacity for intimate relationships is a reflection of God. As we go back and look at Scripture, we see that Satan’s first name was Lucifer. He was the most beautiful angel that had ever been created. Many believe he was a captain of the Angel armies of God, perfect and beautiful. That’s the enemy. He was gorgeous, he was breathtaking and because of this it destroyed him. Pride entered his heart. As an angel he came to believe he’d been cheated somehow, and he wanted the worship that was being given to God. He wanted it all for himself. So, he didn’t merely play a role in a story, he wanted the story to be all about him so let’s see what he did. Satan fell because of this beauty.  Now he assaults beauty. He destroys it and our natural world wherever he can. I mean think of things in society like strip mines, oil spills, all kinds of destruction that mankind has done to this earth. Satan loves it when beauties destroyed. Which is why he hates Eve and why is that? Well, she’s beautiful and more beautiful than anything else in all creation.  She was created in God’s image, the relationship image of God. So, Satan hates her with a jealousy that we can only imagine. And there is more. The evil one also hates Eve because she gives life. Women give birth not men. Women nourish life. Satan was a murderer from the beginning. According to John 8:44, scripture says he brings death, his is a kingdom of death. Rituals, sacrifices, genocide, Holocaust, and abortion are all his ideas. Thus, Eve is his greatest human threat for she brings life. If you’re really tired with living with all the struggles that you have with your identity and with the enemy, there’s an answer for you.  I have good news for you. There’s one greater than your enemy and that’s God. Your true identity is based on God’s plan for your life which is based on unconditional love and acceptance by God. And I know there’s an awful lot of misconception of who God is and I know that’s why so many people want to stay away from Him. And sadly, I also know that the church is as much a part of that as the world is. But let’s look at some of the positive things about who God is and what he has to offer. God really does want you to know who you are. He wants you to understand why you’re here and what His plans are for you today and in the future. As a woman, you’re the bearer of the image of God, the crown of creation. You are chosen before time and are wholly and dearly loved. What does God want from you? He wants a personal, intimate relationship with you. That intimate relationship is one where you talk heart to heart to Him. It involves your emotional, physical closeness to Him and it’s where you can be known by Him and have a peace knowing that everything you say to Him is in complete confidence. That’s the kind of relationship that’s based on honesty, trust, respect, appreciation and self-disclosure. That’s what God wants with you, and you can have that with God. He wants the same thing that you want. He wants to be loved. He wants to be known by you. He wants intimacy with you. And to have that intimacy with God you have to offer it to him. Who are you? Be a child of God. First John chapter four verse fifteen says if anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the son of God, God lives in them and they in God. Jesus left Heaven and came to Earth. He lived a very tough and lonely life at times. He was crucified on a cross and He rose from the dead He did all of that for you. And He loves you so much and want you to accept His love. First John verse 9 says, “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”. That’s the life that God promises for you and me when we accept Him. Let’s find out what it means to be a child of God and how that defines who we are as we look at more scripture First John chapter three verse one says, ‘See how great a love the father has bestowed on us that we would be called children of God and such we are’. So, what defines who we are? Our new life in Christ. Our identity doesn’t come from our physical life, which is temporal, but it comes from our spiritual life which is eternal. That’s what Jesus came to give us. Understanding our identity in Christ is essential for living the Christian life. We cannot consistently behave in ways that are inconsistent with what we believe about ourselves. So, we must believe who we are as children of God, and we can look at scriptures that define that. John chapter one verse 11 says I am God’s child. John chapter 15 verse 15 says, I am Christ friend. First Corinthians chapter 12 verse 27 says, I’m a member of Christ’s body. Ephesians chapter one verse 1 says, I am holy I am a saint, and a saint here is defined as someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, not someone who is sinless but someone who desires to sin less. Ephesians 1:5 says I’ve been adopted as God’s child. First Corinthians chapter 3:16 and First Corinthians chapter 6 verse19 says, I am a temple of God his spirit and his life dwells in me. Colossians 3:12 says, I am chosen of God holy and dearly loved. First Peter 5:8 says, I’m an enemy of the devil. First Peter 5:8 says, I’m born of God and the evil one the devil cannot touch me. Because you have accepted Christ in your life, every one of these characteristics are completely true of you. Choose to believe this and live a life of knowing who you are. So many people suffer day to day because they do not know who they are. But you can know. You can believe it and you can live it. Ladies, an excellent book that will help you really understand what a woman is created for, is, ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge. By J Douglas

I’m going to show you how to build an intimate relationship with each other that will actually continue to increase year after year.  For the guys reading this, I’m not talking just about intimate sexual relationships, although that will be discussed in future podcast. I’m talking about a relationship where you really get to know one another and to be known and accepted for who you are. The kind of relationship that involves honesty, trust, respect and open communication. Love is a foundation of all relationships. We were meant to be in relationships with others. The Bible tells us that we were made in the image of God. Now think about that for just a moment, God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. We were made in their image. That means we were made in the image of a perfect relationship. We are relational to the core of our being. Jesus said that very well when he was asked what the greatest commandment is. He said to love the Lord Your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength and then he said the second is like this you are to love one another. The need to love and to be loved is a foundation of all relationships. Let’s talk about your love bank. In your love bank, you have an account for everybody that you come into contact with. And in this love bank, it’s just like, I guess, most people’s bank accounts.  You have deposits and you have withdrawals. And of course, each deposit, each withdrawal is usually different. Sometimes higher, sometimes lower but we still make deposits and withdrawals. So, let’s see how this works. You have a friend in your life and the two of you seem to enjoy the same activities. You’d like to cheer for the same football team or basketball team or softball team. You just really enjoy one another and as you spend time together the account is getting deposits put into it.  Before long that account could be pretty full without you even realizing it and you also realize, with somebody with that kind of an account, you would do about anything for them. Now let’s look at the other extreme.   You meet a new person and you’re not real sure about them, so you decide to give them a chance but the more you spend time with each other the more you realize that there’s just no deposits being made at all. Why continue the account. Then there’s those accounts that have been pretty full at one time, but it seems withdrawals have been slowly taking place over time.   One of times this happens is in a marriage.  Everything goes great for the first few years and then something takes place in the marriage. Let’s say a child comes into the marriage which both people were looking forward to. But suddenly the child is creating more demands on each other’s time. The child needs the parents care and sometimes one parent expects the other one to do more of the care giving than expected and what’s happening over time is small withdrawals taking place toward that other person and so again that’s just one of the other accounts we’re talking about. Now let’s just look at a scenario let’s talk about John and Mary. When John and Mary met, they got along pretty well pretty quickly and as they continued to date and spend time with each other, the more and more deposits were being put in to their love bank.   They made plans to get married and they had what would be considered probably the perfect wedding. Now, let me add something here that I honestly believe most people are unaware of. I’ve discovered it as I’ve worked with thousands of couples. I find it amazing when you’re dating, you’re going by programming that’s in your mind as to what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating now who knows where the programming comes from and who knows whether it’s right or wrong. It’s just what we have, it’s what we do, and it seems to work. The other person seems to enjoy the way we believe dating should go and then we get married. Now the thing about the marriage programming, it could be so much different than the dating programming. I’ve had so many women come in and say I don’t understand. When we were dating, he loved spending time with me. He would buy me flowers or bring me gifts. It was just so amazing, our times together but now that we’re married, he forgets my birthday, he forgets our anniversary, there’s no gifts, there’s no going out to eat. He seems to forget all those things and that’s just not the guy I married. What happened? Well, what happened is, he started acting on all of his marriage programming and all of the dating programming disappeared. So where did the marriage programming come from? From parents, watching grandma or grandpa, watching television, watching his peers and this could also apply to women in their marriage programming. How did they expect the husband to treat them now that he was a husband? Was that based on the way dad treated mom or maybe she wanted the opposite of the way mom was treated by dad. So, there’s so many things here too that need to be looked at but we’ll get to those later. Now let’s get back to the scenario. A perfect marriage ceremony does not make a perfect marriage.  I’ve literally had couples come back to me a week after the marriage and say they didn’t want to be married.  At the reception, the new father-in-law got drunk and made a fool of himself and my husband did not stand up to him and defend me. Please remember that when you marry an individual, you often marry a family. Did John and Mary talk about future plans?  Did they talk about children and how the responsibilities would be shared? Would the mother breast feed or would dad also be getting the bottle ready and feed the child? Did they talk about each other’s needs and how they needed them met? Did they ever think about how much they enjoyed being together when dating, which may not have been much time?  Did they realize that when they were married, they would be together when they were feeling good and when they were feeling bad?  What if the wife wants to go back to work a year after birth of the child or if she wants to finish college and work on a master’s degree?  What if she decides she wants to be a full-time mother? What if the husband believes he has to be a workaholic and supporting his family is his top priority, leaving little time for his wife and family? What does that say to a wife and her need for affection and communication? What does a husband do when his wife is so busy working out of the home, then coming home and having to care for a child, keep the house clean and often be the one who has to cook, and she has no energy to meet his sexual needs? Where are the deposits that use to come freely with no thought?  How has it seemed that a few withdrawals have now added up to be major?  Is the account almost empty?  And what happens when there is nothing left, and the account is closed?  What happens when either one realizes that there is someone else in their life that has made more deposits in the love bank? Should you be concerned that your spouse may be tempted to have an affair if their needs are not being met?   The answer is yes.  So, let’s look at each other’s needs and how they need to be met so you can have an intimate relationship.  If you commit yourself to meeting each other’s most important needs, you will have a greater relationship than you ever knew was possible.  I know it’s true because I have seen it in couples, I have worked with, who came to me and said they had given up. After they learned their spouses needs and how to meet them, they found a happiness and joy they never thought could be true. By J Douglas (C)

What does I do really mean I was invited to attend a wedding a couple of months ago and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever seen. The venue was beautiful both inside and out. It was by a lake. There were four photographers walking around taking pictures of the wedding party before the wedding, during the wedding and after the wedding. I can’t even imagine what it would be like going through all those pictures. But as beautiful as it was and as much money as was spent, because I heard the family spent $100,000 for this, I was just wondering as I sat there, did this couple get good pre marriage counseling? Do they really understand, when they said I do, what they were saying? Well, that’s what we’re going to talk about here for the next few minutes. For guys … I do expect to be able to spend as much time with the guys as I always did before we got married. I do expect you, after you get home from work, to keep a clean house just like my mom did. I do expect you to have meals ready for me when I get home even though you work full time, and I do expect you to give me sex whenever I want it and as often as I want it. For the women, some of the I do’s maybe are, I do expect you to spend more time with me now that we’re married. I do expect you to take an equal share of responsibilities doing house chores. I do expect you to be a spiritual leader. I do expect you to understand me at all times and I do get to spend time at the club with the girls. I do want to spend all major holidays with my parents, and I do want you to watch hallmark movies with me. Now that may be a little bit too much to ask but these are just some of the I do’s that I have heard from couples as I’ve worked with thousands of couples in counseling so let’s look at a little bit more at that. The most important I do is this; I do give you exclusive rights to meet my most intimate needs. Let me read this again and I want you to pay close attention. I do give you exclusive rights to meet my most important needs. Too often when people get married it’s like, I expect you to meet my most important needs so look at the contrast between those two thoughts and talk about them for just a minute. When couples come in for pre marriage counseling I often ask what are your plans for the next few years and at what point do you plan to get a divorce.  No one is thinking of divorce during pre-marriage counseling.  So, I ask the guy to look at his fiancé and tell her why you’ll be a good husband.  Why should she marry you? Then I ask the lady to do the same. While most marriages in the beginning do not believe that they’ll ever end in divorce, either one can have an affair in the relationship and often that affair will lead to a divorce. Statistics show that it’s pretty common. That’s among everybody whether with religious convictions or not. An affair seems to be the best answer sometimes when needs are not being met.  Sexual unmet needs can turn into frustration and the guy thinks she just doesn’t like sex, so he begins to look for another way to have his needs met or live with sexual frustration. A wife expects her husband to meet her needs for intimate conversation undivided attention that she craves and if not met it leads to frustration and maybe she looks for someone else to meet that important emotional need. Marital breakups happened frequently when their needs go unmet. How are you to meet someone else’s needs? This is one of the questions I want you to talk about when I finish. So often you come into marriage, and you expect your spouse to meet your needs instead of really focusing on how you can best meet theirs. So how do you learn to meet their needs? The most important way for a husband and wife to continue to stay happy in their marriage is learning to meet the needs that are most important to each other. In another podcast, I will be discussing some of your most important needs. We’ll look at the five most important needs for men and women that’s mentioned in the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F Harley. What you need to understand is that those mentioned in the book may not apply to you, but you really need to talk about what your needs are and even more important, after you find out what they are, the other person needs to know how to meet them. That’s what we’re going to talk about in following podcast.  So come back, looking for more. By J Douglas (C)