Category: Humor

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone, so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said,” I am so grateful to get out of the bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one.” 

 The man thought for a while and finally said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I’ve never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all the water and I become very claustrophobic. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.” 

 The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, “No I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that’s just too much to ask.” 

 Well, the man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, “There is one other thing I’ve always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.” 

 The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So do you want two lanes or four?” 

Insanity is my only means of relaxation. 

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring. 

Women over 50 don’t have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them. 

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. 

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. 

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! 

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. 

 A friend of mine confused her Valium whether birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care. 

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to a 6:00 o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Do it and die.” 

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing… and then they marry him. 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. 

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? 

At last, a guy’s taking the time to write this all down. 

Finally, the guy’s side of the story. We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side. 

Now here are the rules from the male side. 

These are our rules!  Please note, these are all numbered ‘1’ ON PURPOSE! 

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 

1.   Learn to work the toilet seat.  You’re a big girl.  If it’s up, put it down.  We need it up      and you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.
2.        1.   Sunday sports: It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.
3.    Crying is blackmail.
4.    Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!
5.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6.    Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That’s what we do.  Sympathy is  what your girlfriends are for.
7.    Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments
   become Null and Void after seven days.
8.    If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us.
9.    If something we said can be interpreted two ways; and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10.    You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1.    Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
2.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
3.    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit,
   not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.
4.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.
5.    If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, we will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know
   you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
6.    If you ask a question, you don’t want an answer to; Expect an answer you don’t want to
   hear.
7.    When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…..Really.
8.    You have enough clothes.
9.    You have too many shoes.
10.    I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
11.    Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you
    know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

1.  Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.  There is nothing good in there now.       Amanda 

1. Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy.  I never sked for anything before.  You can look it up.      Joyce 

1. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart.  I had to have 3 stiches and a shot.     Janet 

1. Dear God, if we come back as somebody else, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton – because I hate her.     Denise 

1. God, I read the Bible.  What does begat mean?  Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison 

1. Dear God, how did you know you were God?  Who told you?     Harlene 

1. Dear God, is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?    Anita 

1. Dear God, I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family, and I can never do it.     Nan 

1. Dear God, did you really mean, do unto others as they do unto you?  If you did, then, I’m going to get even with my brother.     Darla 

1. Dear God, I love the story about Noah the best of all of them.  You really made up some good ones.  I like walking on water, too.     Glenn 

1. Dear God, my grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.  How far back do you go?      Love Dennis 

1. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries?  If you don’t, who does?      Nan 

1. Dear God, It’s OK that you made different religions, but don’t you get mixed up sometimes?     Arnold 

1. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?     Norma 

1. Dear God, in Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?     Jennifer 

1. Dear God, what does it mean you are a jealous God?  I thought you had everything you wanted.     Jane 

1. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don’t do any now?     Billy 

1. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.     Peter 

1. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms.  It works our OK with me and my brother.     Larry 

1. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet.  What’s up?  Don’t forget.     Mark 

1. Dear God, you don’t have to worry about me.  I always look both ways before I cross the street.     Dean 

1. Dear God, my brother told me about how you were born, but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say?      Marsha 

1. Dear God, if you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.    Barbara 

1. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours? Or do you just know him through the business?      Donnie 

1. Dear God, In Sunday school, they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you’re on vacation?      Jane 

1. Dear God, in school, we read the Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school they said you did it first. Did he steal your ideas?      Sincerely, Donna 

1. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you.  Well, I just want you to know that. I’m not just saying that because you are already God.     Charles 

1. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can’t you do that with the moon?      Jeff 

1. Dear God, I’m doing the best I can. Really.      Frank 

1. Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.      Carol 

Brain Transplant 

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, with a family member like gravely ill.  Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the wording faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.” 

 “Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourself.” The family members set silent as they absorb the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”  

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the woman, but some actually smirked! A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?” 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they’re used.” 

  The W.C. 

An English lady, while visiting in Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend one. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned home to make final preparations to move. When she arrived home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a W..C in the place.( A W.C. is a water closet or a bathroom). So, she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a W..C in the place. The schoolmaster was a very poor student in English so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to find a meaning of the letters W C. The only solution they could find for the letters was “Wayside Chapel”. So the schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the English lady: 

My dear lady: 

 I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is situated nine miles from the house in the center of a beautiful Grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. 

 As there are a great number of people expected during the summer months, I suggest that you come early, although usually there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to know that my daughter was married in the WC and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were 10 people at every seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. 

 You will be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it while those who can afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially recommend your ladyship to go on Thursday when there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. 

 The newest edition is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. The bazaar is to be held to provide for plush seats for all, since the people feel it is long needed. My wife is rather delicate so she cannot attend on a regular basis. It is almost a year since she last went, and naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. 

 I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, where you shall be seen by all. For the children, there’s a special day and time so that they do not disturb the elders. Hoping to be of some service to you.  

The Schoolmaster 

Teacher: Why are you late? 

Webster: Because of the sign. 

Teacher: What sign? 

Webster: The one that says, “School Ahead – Go Slow.” 

 

Teacher: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious? 

John: In the Garden of Eden? 

 

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 

Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables. 

 

Teacher: John, how do you spell ‘crocodile’? 

John: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L 

Teacher: No, that’s wrong. 

John: Maybe it wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 

 

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? 

Sarah: H I J K L M N O  

Teacher: What are you talking about? 

Sarah: Yesterday you said it’s H to O. 

 

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America. 

George: Here it is! 

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? 

Class: George 

 

Teacher: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago? 

Willie: Me! 

 

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? 

Tommy: Well, I ‘m a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

 

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I” 

Ellen: I is… 

Teacher: No, Ellen…always say:” I am” 

Ellen: All right…I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 

 

Teacher: Can anyone give an example of Coincidence? 

Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time. 

 

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it.  Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him? 

Johnny: Because George still had the ax in his hand. 

 

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me, do you say prayers before eating? 

Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook. 

 

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s.  Did you copy his? 

Desmond: No teacher, it’s the same dog! 

 

Teacher:  What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 

Pupil: A teacher 

 

Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark? 

Father: I think so. What do you want me to write? Your name on this report card. 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED 

No matter how hard to try, you can’t baptize cats 

When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair 

If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person 

Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato 

You can’t trust dogs to watch your food 

Reading what people write on desk can teach you a lot 

Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair 

Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac 

School lunches stick to the wall 

You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk 

Don’t wear polka dot underwear under white shorts 

The best place to be when you’re sad, is in Grandpa’s lap 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED 

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree. 

There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. for example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt. 

One reason to smile is that every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 

Car sickness is a feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. 

Families are like Fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts. 

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 

Laughing helps. it’s just jogging on the inside. 

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not for the toy. 

My mind not only wonders: sometimes it leaves completely. 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GETTING OLD 

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 

Insanity is my only means of relaxation. 

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 

Perhaps you know why women over 50 don’t have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. 

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds. 

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away. 

God put me on Earth the accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I’m so far behind I will live forever. 

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. 

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. 

Time may be a great healer, but it also so lousy beautician. 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 

Amazing! you just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. 

Inside, some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. 

POLICE 

 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “Would you please tie my shoe?” 

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally, he said, “What’d he do?” 

 

 

ELDERLY 

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” 

 

DRESS-UP 

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad putting on his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning”. 

 

DEATH 

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard in a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five- year- old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer and with great dignity he gave his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be into Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.” 

 

SCHOOL 

And little girl finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!” 

 

BIBLE 

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear? “With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”