A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average about 15,000 words a day, whereas woman use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women used twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, “What?”
I haven’t read some authors that agree that women speak twice as many words a day as men and I’ve read some authors that say they all speak exactly the same amount. So, I’ll let you decide how that is in your relationship, but we’re going to talk about this.
Many of the men I worked with have told me, if we use the numbers in the story above, that they use about 14,999 words at work. And their words have to do with talking about work or other things dealing with sporting activities. When they get home, they have one word left.
For the woman, she’s used to about 15,000 words at work and comes home with about 15,000 more words to use. In the early days of their marriage, she can’t wait till her husband comes home and they can talk about their day. She wants to hear what he did, what was going on in his job and she’s hoping he will ask about hers because she wants to talk about her day and everything that’s gone on with her. So, let’s say she comes home from work before he does, and when he comes in the door, her first question may be, “Hey honey how was your day?”. If you look at the numbers that he’s already used, he has about one word left. So instead of talking about his day, he will say something like’ fine’. So she may ask another question about how his day went and he will say okay. She asks about somebody he works with; you know how he’s doing, and the husband will probably say he’s doing OK. And there’s really not much conversation coming from the husband.
Now this could create a problem with the wife thinking,” God, why doesn’t he want to talk to me? Why doesn’t he want to share his work with me? Why do I have to try to get conversation out of him?”
I’ve also read that one of the things a husband should do when he first gets home, is to go off to his cave. He needs about 15 or 20 minutes of either doing nothing or reading the paper or something just to unwind from work. And again, especially in the early years of the marriage, a wife can’t wait to see him so this creates a problem.
Ladies know that, to get acquainted with other people, you have to spend time with them and communicate with them. In the early times of dating, the lady and the guy have spent a lot of time talking, whether it’s over the phone, or it’s texting, or it’s just going out to get a coffee or something just to spend time together. So now she’s wondering what happened to those times that they spent so much time together. Now they’re married and he seems to not have time for her anymore or just doesn’t seem to communicate with her anymore. What’s the problem?
When they were dating, they never seemed to find enough time to be together but now that they’re married, he just doesn’t seem to want to spend time with her. A man needs to realize that a woman can feel less important just by comparing the amount of time her husband spends with her to the time he spends elsewhere. In this day and age, it’s amazing how important the computer seems to be or the games of the computer seem to be to the guy versus time with his wife. This is a problem!
I know of one individual, where as soon as you get home, he went straight to his room and played on the computer for hours. The wife really got tired of him never having time for her. When the wife came in for counseling, she told me that her needs for time and affection were not being met. So, when her husband was spending so much time in the computer room, she had gotten more involved with the neighbor. And they were actually in the living room of her home, when her husband was home, having an affair. It sad that she knew that her husband would spend so much time, in his own house with her there, that he’d never come out and see what she was doing.
Intimate conversation happens when you take time to be together. It can take place after you put your kids to bed. It can take place by going out and having a date night, maybe once a week. Or it’s just the two of you asking about the goals that each other has and you talking about the dreams you have together. For the empty nesters, it may be trying to figure out how to get along with each other now that you have no kids at home. It’s spending that time listening to the heart of the other person, becoming so much a part of that other person.
Here’s some little thoughts of wisdom that go along with this. Guys, give her your shoulders not your mouth. What I mean by this, it’s amazing how we guys want to be fixers when our ladies come to us. When we talk about an issue or a problem she’s dealing with at work or at home with a family, we want to hurry up and fix the problem for her. And you know there’s so many times that before she even finishes telling us what the problem or situation is, we’re already giving her solutions. We’ve already quit listening which comes to the important part. She needs us to listen when she’s talking. We need to give her direct eye contact. She wants to know that we’re paying attention to what she’s saying. And we might even find ways to repeat back what we’ve heard. To say,” Honey is this what you’re telling me? This is what I heard.” At which time, it allows her to say,” Well, let me explain it a little bit better.” Or she may say, “Yes honey that’s what I’m saying.” and it means so much for her to know that you are listening and understanding. You’re not just hearing the words but you’re understanding her heart.
And just a few other more updates of wisdom. Guys, sarcasm is not a good thing to use with your lady. We can use it with other guys all the time and it’s fun, it’s cute, but using it with the lady is not a good thing to do. Because she will hear it as putting her down or telling her that you don’t think much of her, and that is not healthy.
And if you’ve really done something that’s hurt her, let me tell you one phrase to get rid of in your vocabulary. That phrase is, “I’m sorry”. My first response would be yes you are. What that phrase is asking for is absolutely nothing. It’s just making you feel better that you finally confessed to something or you feel sorry about something you’ve done but that’s not asking for a response from the other person. When you’ve really done something to hurt her, the first words from your mouth needs to be, “Will you forgive me.” At that point you’re asking for a response from her and you’re also going to find out just how much you may have hurt her by her response. And her response may be, “I’m not ready to forgive you yet.” And instead of telling her, “Well you should forgive me.” You need to say, okay when you’re ready please tell me so we can talk about it.
Let her know you honor her. That’s she is the most valuable person in your life. And, while your words are not enough, because they must be supported with action, your willingness to communicate your heart is what she needs. By J Douglas