Author: creatingloverelationships_0xbehf

Okay, today we’re going to be talking about your needs and what your greatest needs are. There’s a book called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, and I’m going to ask you about some of these needs and say where you’d put them. Okay, first place, let’s just write down, guys, I’m going to give you a blank sheet of paper. I want you to write down what you think your wife’s five greatest needs are. Ladies, I want you to write down what you think your guy’s five greatest needs are. I’m going to give you a minute to do that, well, probably a couple of minutes, and then when you get finished with that, we’ll go on from there. Okay, first place, now that you’ve written those down, if you have room, turn the paper over, and if not, I’ll give you another sheet of paper, because now on that piece of paper, ladies, that you wrote down what you thought his five greatest needs are, I want you to take time to write down what your five greatest needs are. And sometimes ladies have trouble finding five needs to be able to write down, but I want you to try to write down what you believe are your five greatest needs. So guys, on your sheet of paper, turn it over, write down what your five greatest needs are. And when you get finished with that, then I’m going to tell you what to do with it. Okay, now that you’ve finished your list, I want you to exchange papers with each other. And while you’re getting ready to look at what your spouse thinks your greatest needs, let me just say this. Guys, I don’t want you to feel stupid and dumb, because you probably don’t have a clue what your wife’s greatest needs are, because most guys don’t have a clue until they actually come in and learn what those are. And ladies, don’t be upset if they’re not close to what they are, because again, it’s just a guy thing. No one’s ever trained guys how to understand women, and that’s what we’re gonna take time to do, is help you both understand each other and what your needs are. (C) J Douglas

At the end of the session titled, ‘Communication Dangers’, I said that we would be looking at a technique that would help you to develop strong communication.  The technique we’re going to be looking at is called the Speaker, Listener Technique. This is a technique that I learned from a book titled A Lasting Promise, written by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savannah McCain and Milt Bryan.  It is a structured communication skill that works to build understanding, promotes connection, and minimizes communication danger signs. This technique is often used during times of difficult situations. I have seen hundreds of couples that I’ve worked with use this technique and it really helps them from getting to the point of no communication at all. It helps couples to better talk about issues respectfully, and increases emotional safety, and it helps to maintain oneness. Good communication skills are at the heart of keeping a relationship strong and healthy. And what do I mean by good communication skills? I mean the ability to speak and listen well. To actually be able to express what you want the other person to understand and then to be able to receive what the other person has tried to say. Poorly handled conflicts create so many barriers to oneness in a relationship. If true communication is not taking place in a relationship, one or both of the individuals will want to give up. I’ve worked with so many couples where one of the individuals would say that they were just tired of trying to share how they felt about a situation because the other person just never cared to listen. And the other person would tell me that they were tired of listening to the same stuff all the time because when they tried to give a response, they were always told the response was wrong and they didn’t know what they were talking about. In James 1:19, we read, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Now that’s great advice, but I’m curious how you would define what it means to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Take a few minutes to write down your understanding of each phrase. After doing that, then write down your definition of Good Communication. Let’s look at some of the common responses to the ingredients of good communication. Use direct eye contact. Make sure you let the speaker complete their thought and the best way to do that is not butting in with your thoughts or opinions before they finish. Don’t give an insulting response. After listening, do not just get up and walk away, showing great disrespect. Communication really takes place when there’s both talking and listening. Each person needs to know that they were heard. Each person needs to know that it’s safe to actually say what they need to say. Communication is truly taking place when each person understands. what the other person says, and also has been able to give a response to what the other person has said. It’s important to remember in good communication that the speaker and the listener do not have to agree with each other in order to have good communication take place. You are wanting to have the other person hear you and understand why you feel the way you do. And always remember, you never have the right to tell them that they are wrong for feeling that way. Your responsibility is really to try and understand why they feel the way they do. Once you understand what you are working with, the better the chance that you can both work at finding an answer to how to respond to each other. Now go back and look at the 8 things that we just listed earlier that can help good communication. Discuss how you can implement these things when you find yourself in the heat of the moment in a difficult conversation. Do you believe it is possible? Well, get ready to learn that there is a way that it is possible. But before I tell you about what that is, let’s talk about rules for just a moment.  Rules! What do you mean rules in communication? Without rules, no healthy communication will take place. And I’m sure, you have already experienced that. Tough conversations will usually end up going directions that neither one of you may ever intend.  I’ve talked with so many couples about arguments that they had been involved in and what started them. And often they said, by the time we got to the end of it, we didn’t even remember what had started it. It was probably something so simple that it should never ended up where it ended up. But that’s what happened. So, let’s look at the rules.  The first set of rules are for the Speaker. Speak for yourself; don’t mind read. Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on. Stop to let the Listener paraphrase. Rules for the Listener Paraphrase what you hear. Focus on the Speaker’s message.  Don’t rebut. Rules for Both The Speaker has the floor. Speaker keeps the floor while the Listener paraphrases. Share the floor. Remember, you are working together to make communication take place. In the remainder of this lesson, I want to help define the rules.  Then next time we get together, I will teach you how to apply the technique. For the Speaker, when you speak for yourself, you must learn to use “I “ statements.  You may plan to speak for yourself, but often in a difficult conversation, you end up accusing the other person, blaming them for your feelings or trying to mind read as if you really know what they’re thinking or what they meant last time they said something. And you’re not a mind reader.  Don’t ever speak for the other person.  They will have time to speak for themselves when they have the floor. And let’s take a minute to define the ‘floor’.  The two of you need to agree on what you want to use for the floor.  Because the ‘floor’ is an important part of helping you to remember who is the Speaker. Some people will use a small part of carpet, some use other items that they have decided to use such as a stuffed animal, a credit card or a 3×5 card.  I highly recommend that you do not use a piece of tile. It could end up being a weapon. To make sure you are using “I” statements, you need to talk about what you feel or think. Talk about how the situation affected you.  Try to always take the word “You” out of your vocabulary. Instead of saying, “I got mad because you…..”, It’s better to say, “When I heard the statement, I felt …..”. Here are some reasons why “I” statements make such a positive difference in your communication. They keep the Listener from feeling attacked, they keep the Speaker from mindreading, and they help keep communication specific. In keeping statements brief, it means that you will not dump your whole feelings at once.  Being brief means, spending about three to four minutes at the most, to start what you will be discussing. You will keep the ‘floor’ while the listener is paraphrasing.  Once they told you what they heard and it’s really not what you said, please let them know that you’re going to restate it again. Don’t tell them that they were stupid and didn’t hear what you were really saying.  Remember, you speak different languages and often what you say is not what the other person hears. In healthy communication, Speaking is just half of the process.  Now we will look at the Listener and how they can do their part. And in the Speaker Listener Technique, paraphrasing is an important skill that requires a thoughtful re-statement of the Speaker’s message. Paraphrasing is so much more than just hearing the other persons words. The listener is to tell the speaker what they heard them say, not the exact words, but the meaning of the words. And in doing so you may have to ask questions that will help you know how to respond.  And remember to always try to take “you “out of your conversation.  Such as, “What I heard is…” not, “What you said was…” In paraphrasing, you need to let the speaker know what you heard and also add what you felt the emotions were behind the message. So, look forward to learning how to use this technique and how others have learned from using it.

COMMUNICATION 

The following are some topics that I will be spending much more time working with in later lessons.  So please don’t think that I am not really addressing these issues.  They are serious and I do want these issues to become non-existent in your relationships. 

What is usually the biggest complaint from women about men? 

Men don’t listen!  I’ll never forget an example of this in my younger years of marriage. My wife had asked me something while I was watching football and also looking at the paper and she said you never listened to me. Well, I repeated word for word, what she had just said. So why did she think I was not listening? It could be because I was not giving her direct eye contact. Gentlemen, when your women are talking to you, make sure you give them direct eye contact. It shows you’re listening to them. I always told guys you might be thinking of something else but at least look at her when she’s talking so she believes you’re actually listening. But seriously, yes, give her direct eye contact and let her know that what she has to say is important enough for you to give her your attention. 

Three most common mistakes women make. 

1. She will try to improve his behavior or help him with unsolicited advice. 

1. She will not acknowledge what he does for her but will complain about what he hasn’t done.  This will make him feel unappreciated and taken for granted. 

1. She will correct his behavior and tell him what to do as if he were a child. 

Now let’s look at how you can work on these mistakes. 

When it comes to trying to improve his behavior, I found it amazing that a lot of women would tell me that their husbands really didn’t act the way they wanted them to when they were dating. But they believed that they would love them so much when they are married, that when they give them advice on how to change their behavior, they’re going to listen to them. 

A good example of this was when I was counseling a woman who was saying her husband was hitting her.  I asked her if he did this while they were dating, and she said yes but he promised he would stop once they were married. Ladies don’t ever believe you will change him once you’re married.  If he has qualities, you don’t like when you’re dating, stop dating him and don’t even think of marrying him. 

And as for giving advice, and this goes for both women and men, Never Give  

Advice Unless It Is Asked For! 

No one likes to feel unappreciated. And that goes both ways too.  Always look for ways to show the other person how much you appreciate them and what they do to strengthen the marriage.   

Almost all men do not want to marry their mother.  In other words, don’t go around telling them how to act and correcting them as you would a child. 

Three most common mistakes men make. 

1. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children and work more important than her. 

1. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him.  

1. After listening to her, he says nothing or just walks away. 

One of the things you really need to know is this, next to God being the most important relationship you should have, your wife is your next priority.  Much more to say in other lessons on communication.  

This mistake, number two, happens because he does not know how to communicate and by attacking you, he will know you have to withdraw to defend yourself. He’s hoping you will decide that communication is hopeless, and you will not continue the conversation. 

And mistake three, also goes with someone who has no idea of how to communicate. 

Now I want to share a few more topics that I will be discussing in more detail in future lessons. 

Always use direct eye contact. 

Communicate your feelings. 

Eliminate you statements. In other words, try to take the word you out of your vocabulary when you’re talking to someone. Usually when you use it in a communication, it’s like pointing a finger at the person, such as, you never do this, you’re always wrong. You, you, you, take it out of your vocabulary and learn to express your feelings. 

Take the words, I’m sorry out of your vocabulary and replace them with, will you forgive me? 

Never give advice unless it’s asked for. 

Listen without cutting in or arguing. 

Use ‘I feel’ statements. 

Understand that often what you say is not what the other person hears. 

Always use direct eye contact. 

Admitting a weakness is a strength. 

Give her your shoulder, not your mouth. 

Don’t demand share how you feel. 

Take time outs and conversation, but make sure you set a time to come back together. 

Don’t just tell him the problem suggests solutions. 

One verbal negative can wipe out the effects of five or even 20 positives. 

Be a teammate and not an enemy. 

This list represents some of the many things we’re going to be talking about in the days ahead. So please come back, look for the ones that you need to be paying attention to in your relationship. And then share these with other people. Thank you. God bless. 

If you are really wanting to develop good communication skills, there are some things you need to know that will hinder and/or destroy your ability to communicate in a way that the other person will be able to receive your message.  Let’s look at some of the things you need to avoid. 

DEMANDING VS REQUESTING. 

There will be times you will need to request something you need.  But when your request turns into a demand, you have now let the other person know that you don’t care how he or she feels. Your demand has just cut off communication lines.  A demand is no longer asking if the person can meet your need, but you are telling them that they have no right to refuse you.  Communication has ended and major withdrawals from the love bank has taken place. 

Demands also make it less likely that the other person will ever want to meet that need. If you force them to meet the demand now, you are giving a strong signal that you’re unconcerned about their feelings or concerns.  And if you’re going to be self-centered in this request, what other areas will you abuse them next. 

A wiser approach would be to ask, ‘I’m really needing help with a situation I’m dealing with and I could really use your help.  Do you have time now or when would be a good time for you to help me?” This approach shows you desire help from them and also allows them to help when it is convenient.   

Make sure your request has a set time, for whatever it is, to be completed.  If not specific, their idea of helping could be days later.  And the request needs to be specific.  For instance, if you just ask for help around the house, the other person may not be able to help if it is something they have no knowledge about.  And the person receiving the request, needs to be specific as to why they may need to wait to help.   

 

DISRESPECT 

I have never met anyone who enjoyed being disrespected. This is one way to shut down all healthy communication.  And some people seem to be unaware of how they can disrespect others.  Something as simple as rolling your eyes to a statement, can destroy any further communication for the evening.   

What if you don’t respect the other person opinion?  You can state your opinion without being disrespectful.  And first, tell the other person what you just heard them say to make sure you heard what they were saying. Then clearly state why you believe what you do.  There will be many times you will disagree with others, but you can agree to disagree.  Never say anything that’s disrespectful. 

Proverbs 15:1 – “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  

Attacking a person’s thoughts, opinions or character is uncalled for.  That includes your response to someone who has just attacked you verbally.  Never allow anyone to cause you to respond in a disrespectful way.  You are in charge of y our response and it should come from a heart of love, not destruction. If you need to, tell them you need to take a time out before you continue the conversation. Never give anyone the power over your words or feelings. 

When you respond in the same manner as the person treated you, you are now escalating the situation. And escalation can often lead to very serious negative consequences.  And often both individuals may feel sorry for their actions and words later, but they may never be forgotten.  And a time out is wise before escalation leads to destructive consequences. And this is a good time to ask yourself if this conversation will be putting deposits in the other persons ‘love bank’ or making withdrawals that could destroy the relationship. 

 

ANGER 

Anger is always intended to be hurtful.  Proverbs 29:11 – “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” And in Ephesians 4:26 we read, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” One author says that when people are angry, they are experiencing temporary insanity.  Angry outbursts have no place in anyone’s life.  And this is especially true in a marriage.  Your spouse deserves a relationship of protection, care and love. 

Too often, people will respond to anger by withdrawing emotionally or physically.  No further healthy communication will take place. 

 

BRINGING UP THE PAST 

One of the greatest mistakes you can do is to keep bringing up a hurt from the past.  If you have dealt with the past and have forgiven the other person for the pain you experienced, you should never bring it up again.  You should have learned from it and now you will go on. Once God has forgiven us, He never brings it up again.  The Bible says there is now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  It is not your job to play the ‘blame game’ or to keep reminding the other person of how much they hurt you.  Get help!  Find someone to help you deal with the pain and ask God to help you with a spirit of forgiveness.  Most people I have worked with are sincerely heartbroken over their mistake or sin that has caused pain. 

In our next time together, we will be looking at a technique to help us develop strong communication.  This technique is found in a book titled, “Fighting for Your Marriage” by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg.  I highly recommend that you buy this book as it is a great tool to enhance your marriage.